War is Serious
by Ireallyneedabetterpenname
Summary: Except when the nations come up with some... interesting tactics. Will contain a bunch of different nations. Set in WWII, so Allies and Germany, mostly.
1. Chapter 1: England and Paint

**A/N: Based on a list from listverse called 10 Hilariously Childish Weapons We Used Against The Nazi** **link:** /2013/11/05/10-hilariously-childish-weapons-we-used-against-the-nazis/ **the list that was my inspiration belongs to Alex Hanton and Listverse, Hetalia doesn't belong to me. Don't kill me?**

Chapter 1: England & Graffiti

During one of their bosses many meetings, England and America had a chance to talk strategy.

"War is a serious business. But perhaps, we need to get creative to win it."

"Ok Iggy, what's your point?"

England sighed.

"Don't call me Iggy! Anyways, you know how France and some of the other countries invaded by Germany have been using graffiti to undermine that terrible hun?"

"I know dude, it's hilarious!"

"America, it's a serious part of the resistance! However, Germany keeps cleaning the paint off"

"So…?"

"Using dark magic, I have created a paint that can't be removed! To smuggle it in, we can put it in tubes of toothpaste."

"That's great, eyebrows, but what if someone uses it as toothpaste?"

"Shut up America, only you would be stupid enough to do that."

~Later, at Germany's house~

As Germany was making breakfast for himself and Herr Schticky, he noticed France was laughing. Not something he saw too often these days.

"What's so funny?"  
"Honhonhon...nothing."

Germany found out for himself soon after, when he readied himself to go to work.

 _God invented man, the devil invented the German_ , was written on his windshield.

" Was zum teufel!- France, did you do this!"

" _Quoi?..._ Honhonhon, never would I do such a thing!"

"Clean it up!"

"But I didn't do it!"

" _Clean it up!"_

France went to get the soap and water.

~Some time later~

France was _still_ trying to scrub the windshield.

"Germany, I can't get it off!"

" _Arschloch!_ That's what you said last time! Work harder!"

" No, seriously, it won't wash off!"

"Let me try…"

A while later, even Germany had to admit defeat.

" You may destroy my car, but I will destroy your countries!"

~Even Later, at England's house~

As the nation was getting ready to go to bed, England went to go brush his teeth. Contrary to popular opinion, he did care about the state of his teeth. Maybe he didn't brush and floss every single day, but still... Anyway, as he prepared his tooth brush, he noticed that the toothpaste was of a strange consistency. _Maybe it has something to do with the rationing his people have had to do?_ Shrugging it off, he continued to brush his teeth. When he went to go rinse his mouth though, he noticed the toothpaste hadn't come off. Trying again, it still stained his teeth bright green. _Wait a second..._ England thought back to the conversation he had had with America earlier in the week. Looking at the toothpaste container, he realized that it was the containers they had used to send the paint to France and other occupied countries. _Shit._

 **A/N: Hi! I hope you liked it, or the idea of it, at least. It hasn't been edited, so any mistakes are mine alone. If you were wondering, yes, England accidentally sent the paint to agents in Africa, who thought it was toothpaste, and used it as such. Also, please review! :)**


	2. Chapter 2: Norway and Itching Powder

**Still don't own listverse or Hetalia**

 **This chapter is why it's rated T- I hope it's still T, anyway. This one is the worst out of all that are and will come. It has mention of adult themes…. if it bothers you, don't read! Thanks for being interested though. Look back at chapter one, or move ahead when the other chapters are up! :)**

 _Special appearance by Prussia!_

 **Chapter 2: Norway & Itching Powder**

So far in the war, England had been using Itching powder to sabotage Germany by sprinkling it on his uniforms before they left the factories, and Sweden had been helping him by putting itching powder in letters. So, when Norway asked for some itching powder, England didn't think too much of it. But he should have. He really should have.

~Norway & Denmark in a Factory~

In the large cavernous factory, their two voices echoed around them. Norway was taking their task seriously. Oddly enough, Denmark was not.

"Norge, this is hilarious!"

"Denmark, shut up, or someone will hear us."

"Who?"

"There's a guard somewhere. Just shut up."

"But it's great, Germany won't know what hit him!"

"Be quiet."

"Okay,okay."

They continued their monotonous task.

~Later, in Germany's house~

Germany was looking forward to relaxing. It's tiring, trying to suppress conquered nations while fighting nations that just seem to be getting stronger, while coordinating with an ally halfway across the world, and trying to protect a different, rather useless ally, all at the same time. So Germany felt he deserved a little rest. But then the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"West!"

"What, Prussia?"

"Can you pick me up from the hospital?"

"Why are you at the hospital?"

"I was at this awesome bar, where I met this awesome girl, not as awesome as me, of course, but close, and we were going to do some awesome things, but I had to use this unawesome condom, and my five meters started seriously itching!"

"Mein Gott! Why did you need to tell me this?"

"Well you asked!"

"Fine… I'm coming ."

~Even Later~

"What the hell did you do, Norway?!"

"He deserved it."

"Well, it's a little.. extreme, don't you think?"

"England, he's currently occupying my country; I don't think there's anything too extreme."

 **A/N: Don't listen to Prussia when he says condoms are unawsome. He's just upset about the itching. Practice safe sex kids! This story was really awkward for me to write…. I'm sorry.**


	3. Chapter 3: England, America,Stinkbombs

**I don't own Hetalia.**

Chapter 3: England, America & Stink Bombs

A different meeting between England and America...

"America, I have come up with a new weapon to use against the axis powers."

"What, Iggy?"

"Using my dark magic powers once again, I have come up with this!"

In England's palm was a little capsule.

"Seriously dude? What does it do?"

"I'll show you. Let's go outside."

Once outdoors, England set out a piece of plastic, placed the capsule on it, took out a hammer, and broke the capsule. A disgusting smell immediately pervaded the area.

"Ew, Iggy, that's disgusting!"

"I know, right? To top that, it can't be washed out, even after multiple cleanings!"

"Cool. But I'm the hero. I can do even better!"

"No way, you bloody wanker. There's no way you can do better than my dark magic!"

"Ha dude, you'll see!"

~Later~

England was walking around during a break in the conferences, when America came running up to him.

"Hey, Eyebrows! Come see my new top secret stink bomb!"

"Mine is better."

"Ha! Mine is waaaaay better! It's called the "Who, me?"

America held out a spray bottle.

"It's in here! What you do is, you spray the stuff in this bottle-"

America promptly sprayed the spray bottle at England, covering the both of them in the substance.

"You Idiot! Now you've covered me in it. And it smells disgusting!"

"That's the point! If it's sprayed on Germany, it'll totally embarrass him in front of the other Axis!"

"But America, you've covered the both of us in it. If it's going to cling to whoever sprayed it, no one will want to use it!"

"Shut up, Dude, it's amazing!"

"Say what you want… I'm going to change clothes. Maybe shower too."

~With France~

France was extremely disappointed with what America had sent to help with his resistance. Usually it was more useful, such as explosives, but today he had sent a stinky air freshener. "How am I supposed to use this? I have no qualms with making Germany smell like _merde_ , but I refuse to smell of it myself. At any rate, then he'll definitely know it was me!"

 **A/N: Resistance groups sent America's spray bottle generally refused to use it, because, as England and France pointed out, it clung to whoever was spraying it. … Review please?**


	4. Chapter 4:Sweden,England, Invitations

**A/N: England come up a lot, doesn't he? He's going to come up a couple more times, Sorry about that. Also, I'm not going to try to write Sweden's accent. I can't do it.**

 **Sweden, England, and Fake invitations**

"Pss,pss, Sweden"

"England?"

"I heard that your German embassy is holding an exclusive show."

"It is."

"What would you think it we made fake invitations, and sent them to the axis and their supporters? The results would be hilarious!"

"Hmmm… why not?"

Together, the two of them got to work making invitations.

~Day of the show~

England was laughing as he watched with binoculars from the rooftop. Sweden wasn't laughing, but he was smiling. Meanwhile, on the ground...

"Hey Germany! Thanks for inviting us!"

"I agree with Italy."

"Yeah bruder, that was awesome of you!"

"Italy, Japan, Prussia, what are you doing here?"

"Well, you invited us, right?"

"Umm… I didn't realize you got invitations."

"What do you mean? They are right here."

"I wonder why they are different colors? Mine is blue and yours are white."

"Who knows? Can we get pasta?"

Thousands of others were also gathered outside, waiting for their seats. Germany was growing increasingly confused. How were they going to be able to fit everybody inside?

At this point. Another German officer ran up to Germany.

" _Mr. Germany! Where did all these people come from?"_

"That's what I was thinking. I thought only a few would be coming."

" _A lot of people have been bringing white tickets. I thought all of ours were printed in blue!"_

"They are…"

" _What do we do now?"_

"I suppose we have to tell people their tickets were fake…"

"Waaaa! Germany, what are we suppose to do?"

"Don't worry about it Italy. You all can probably come in. I don't know how we're going to tell everybody else they can't…"

As he walked forward through the crowd, Germany was _not_ looking forward to the announcement he was about to make. Turning to the officer who had come to him.

"Do you know where I can find a bullhorn?"

 **A/N: The thousands of people who showed up in real life were turned into laughing stock, if you were wondering. I have no idea what the actual invitations were colored as, if they were colored at all. My rationale, if you were curious, as to why the other Axis (and prussia), weren't invited: It was 1944, so the other countries were probably busy in their respective spheres of war, so Germany (being the efficient country he is), wouldn't have wanted to trouble them in trying to find a way to get to Sweden. I think Germany would be there because he probably had something to do in Sweden anyway…. Review?**


	5. Chapter 5: Norway and Laxatives

**Still don't own hetalia.**

Norway and Laxatives

After the condoms incident, England was a little worried about what Norway would do to Germany.

"England. Could you send a lot of a laxative that can easily be added to vegetable oil? And quickly? It's extremely urgent."

"I guess… but should I ask why?"

" The German bastard is taking all of my sardines."

"Ok then…"

Soon after, a large amount of croton oil was covertly sent to Norway.

~Norway and Denmark, in a different factory~

It was a similar scenario, but Denmark was slightly less excited.

"Norge, this doesn't compete with the last factory we snuck through."

"It's more serious."

"But it's not as fun!"

"These are my best sardines. Germany is sending them to his U-boats, for their crews to eat."

"Ohh….Ha! That's actually pretty funny. Not as fun as the condoms."

"It still works."

"True. But can we do a repeat of the condoms?"

"No."

"You're no fun."

"Doesn't matter."

"Fine…"

They continued pouring into the vats.

~A later date~

Germany was taking another well-deserved break when Prussia came barging through the door. The look on his face implied something had gone horribly wrong. Now that Germany thought about it, wasn't he suppose to still be on a u-boat tour?

"I _never_ want to talk about that tour again. Actually, I want nothing to do with U-boats _ever_ again! It was _way_ un-awesome."

"What happened?"

"It was disgusting! It must have been from the canned food. We were in the middle of the atlantic ocean, and we all got the most un-awesome diarrhea at the same time!"

"...I knew I shouldn't have asked."

 **A/N: I almost feel bad for Prussia being on the receiving end of Norway's ideas… but he needs to be humbled from time to time. Fangirls, please don't kill me! I beg you. Also, reviews would be nice.**


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